I am posting a trip report about our trip to Oman. In the introductory post, some readers asked me about my comfort level traveling to certain places as a gay couple.
Now that we are at the point of the trip report where we are visiting a country in the Middle East, I wanted to address this topic more broadly. How do I go about deciding where to travel, how do I change my behavior when traveling depending on the destination, etc. ? I’m also curious how others approach this.
Let me say this upfront – we don’t travel as a couple to places where we feel like we have to constantly hide who we are.
A few warnings to start
Before I share too deeply my approach to travel and being gay, let me acknowledge a few things:
- I recognize that I am incredibly lucky to live in a country where I can (mostly) live my life freely, and I am also lucky to have a supportive family and be financially independent; even in the United States, many people do not have families who accept them and may not be able to support themselves financially, leading to bad situations
- There’s a big difference between being a visitor somewhere and trying to live your life somewhere, so I’m not saying “well, I had no problems in country X, and therefore no one will have any”
- I am only sharing my experiences and beliefs, which I have come to after endless travels over the years; of course, others may have different experiences, and I’m not saying these opinions will apply anywhere in the world
- In the comments section, I’d love to hear how others are addressing these complex issues, though I ask everyone to be respectful; we can all share our beliefs without putting others down
That said, let me share my general philosophy.
It’s important to be out there and shameless
Every gay person knows that coming out can be tricky – it starts with coming out to yourself and accepting who you are. The older I get, the less sheepish and shameless I am about my homosexuality. What people think of me as a gay man isn’t something I’m going to lose sleep over – that’s their problem, not mine. This includes travel to countries that may at first glance be less accepting of gay travellers.
I’m going to take it a step further and say that I think it’s my duty to come out whenever I can. The goal is not to make people uncomfortable or accept them, but rather to build a bridge and normalize people from different backgrounds as much as possible. We all have preconceptions about certain groups of people, and the way to overcome them is to show people that our similarities outnumber our differences.
Coming out is a complicated and endless process
When traveling as a gay couple to many parts of the world, it’s normal for people to just assume you’re friends, brothers, co-workers, etc. I get it, I don’t mind and I’m not offended. I’ll never be mad at anyone for making that assumption, because, well, I would spend a lot of time being mad, and it doesn’t benefit anyone.
That being said, when I think it’s safe and helpful to do so, I subtly try to avoid it and correct any misconceptions. Let me give a few examples:
- If I am in contact with a hotel in advance, I will specify that I am traveling with my husband, so that they know what the relationship is, and that booking a room with a bed is not a mistake; whether they handle this correctly or not is another story
- If I’m in a setting where it’s safe to do so (in my travels that’s a vast majority of places), and I refer to Ford in any context, I call it what he is, i.e. my husband
- If someone refers to them as my friend, I’m usually not going to correct them right away, because I don’t think that helps make someone feel offended by me (and I’m not not offended, by the way); that being said, if i interact with the same person multiple times, i might say “oh, i’m just waiting for my husband, he should be here shortly”, or something like that, so they understand
It is also important to recognize that context matters:
- If I’m in a taxi in Moscow at 10 p.m. and the driver tries to take us to a strip club, we’re not going to correct him and tell him we’re gay (note: I’m not going to Moscow right now , but this happened when we visited several years ago)
- Generally speaking, I feel much more comfortable being openly gay when staying at a large international hotel chain, as they have global standards for acceptance and inclusion. if I was (theoretically) in a small guesthouse in Saudi Arabia, that would of course be a totally different story
- Sometimes I’m just not in the mood to come out (because it’s exhausting), or the setting isn’t right; In 2018, I wrote about my massage experience in Singapore, and the lady asked me if I had children, and when I said no, she asked “why not?” and said that after the massage I’ll be “nice and relaxed and I’ll be able to make babies soon”, and I don’t really feel like it’s time to go out
There is value in interactions at all levels
Even in a chain hotel, I think there’s potentially tremendous value in the one-on-one interactions you can have with people. Perceptions do not change overnight, but rather it is a slow process. For example, take Dubai, which has workers from all over the world.
The workers you interact with may be from countries that do not accept gay people. But if you can be yourself with them and they realize that you’re not so different from other people, I think that has value and over time it will lead to a change in mentality.
People’s perceptions don’t change because they take an hour-long inclusiveness training when they first start their job. They move through first-hand experiences.
Likewise, I’ve had people in countries not particularly willing to come to me and tell me that they could never come out to their family, etc. But it’s good to be able to listen to them and support them.
Laws in the Middle East are complex for everyone
People often say “I will never go to [insert Middle Eastern country] because of the laws they have against homosexuals. That’s absolutely fair, and I understand. You are not wrong, and in many cases the laws are very problematic. Look, I probably wouldn’t go to Saudi Arabia with Ford and book a hotel room with a bed (that’s a moot point, since Ford has no interest in traveling there).
But for countries like Bahrain, Oman, Qatar, UAE, etc., I have absolutely no qualms about being myself. If someone generally wants to boycott these countries because of the laws, I respect that. But I also think there is a nuance to understand:
- Granted, many of these countries have a lot of laws that aren’t actually enforced, and that goes way beyond being gay; this includes laws on displays of affection in public, laws on singles staying in bedrooms, laws on sex, etc.
- For example, until 2020 it was technically illegal for unmarried people to share a hotel room in the UAE; Yet how many tens of millions of unmarried couples have visited the UAE over time, shared a hotel room and had no problems?
- Essentially, many countries in the Middle East operate on a system of unenforced laws, which is a problem, but it also goes far beyond laws involving same-sex relationships.
- My philosophy is that if you respect the locals, including following local customs, they will respect you back.
I also think it is important to recognize when countries are making progress, even if they are not as advanced as other countries, or as advanced as many of us would like them to be. I think we often forget that many countries in the Middle East have official religions and are only a few decades old.
Yes, it’s the year 2022 for all of us, but there’s a difference between a country that’s been around for hundreds of years and claims not to be guided by any particular religion, and a country that’s been around for a few decades and which is based on religious law.
At the end of the line
I often get questions about my approach to travel in countries that (on the surface) aren’t particularly gay-friendly. I hope the above is a useful insight into the approach I am taking. I don’t pretend to be right, but rather I just share my point of view.
Personally, I think it’s important to try to be “out” whenever you can safely, and besides I just have no interest in traveling to destinations where I have to hide who I am. There is certainly a balance here, as local customs must also be respected. But it’s not always as black and white as people might assume.
I’m curious how OMAAT readers approach this problem?
